It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
