Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
