I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
