I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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