Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
