My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
