Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
