we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
