sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
