New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I understand Curling. That high.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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