I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
