i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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