it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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