if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
