capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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