i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
