it hurts more in the daytime
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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