If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
