just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
