OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
