Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
