I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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