Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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