I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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