I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
