He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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