i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
