if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
