I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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