Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
