You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
