Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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