Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
