I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
