just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
