There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
