i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
