angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
