You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
