Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
