wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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