see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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