11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
