I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Drunk is not a location!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize