So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
