you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
