your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
