I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
