i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
