their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
