FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
