I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
