At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
