Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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