My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
