hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
