Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize