There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
