Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
