Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
