I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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