Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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