fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
